How and Why?

How do you know your making the right decision? When we were younger our parents told us to do the right thing...but how do we be certain which path is correct?Lines that were previously clear cut now blur, each side much the same as the other. If they both have rivers to cross and hurdles to jump, how do we know which path will spit us out alive at the other end. How do we know we haven't chosen the wrong path, taking us away from our true destination. How do you struggle, needing to know which decision was right, when both end in tears, loss and permanent change. When both result in grief and hardship, which one does one choose. When the bridge behind you collapses and you must choose one way forward, where do you go?

Surely when you make a truly right decision, you shouldn't have major regrets? Every decision I have made is haunted with regrets and curiosity. "What if..." What if I had taken other decisions, where would I be now! Would I have any regrets? The older I get, the more I regret. Surely decisions shouldn't be this hard. And then it hits me...

Maybe the decisions aren't meant to be this hard, but maybe I made all the wrong ones...

How can a single human be this useless and depressing?
How can you be so worthless?
Why am I invisible?
Why is it my fault?
Why do I keep saying sorry?
Why am I not good enough for anyone?

Everything is always me

Oh, don't ask me difficult questions like what I want to name my blog post at this early hour of the morning when I'm pissed off!

Well hello, long time no see! I must apologise for my absense from blogging this past week, I was in the ghaeltacht. *Yes, shortest stay EVER in the wilds of the Irish countryside, but I shall explain further down.* So no, I'm not M.I.A., While I was frantically running aroung the house last sunday packing, my computer refused to oblige me and work for the five minutes I needed it! Typical!

Anyhow, I have returned from the 'Big G' (as "The BFF" christened it) early because I was/am sick. So I'm kind of dissappointed now.......*depressed face*I mean it wasn't like it was amazing or anything, but I just think we didn't pick well when going there, as it was very weather depending in regards to water sports. I have this horrible nagging feeling at me now because of the fees that were paid, and I don't get the jumper I ordered now ( well even if my friends bring it home for me, where is the point in wearing when if someone asks I say that I was only there for a week. Shameful ) and I feel very unaccomplished!:( I was going to go back down today, but after talking to my friends on the phone lastnight, I decided what is the point. I've missed 4 days if I go back and they said they are so bored down there and want to come home. And i'm not better or anything, I've just improved since the day I came home. So there is virtually no point going back whem I'm still sick and everyone down there hates it...

Also, I got a sneaking feeling when I was on the phone lastnight to the BFF that I'm not wanted down there. After I said I was comming back, the conversation of plesanteries immediately dropped... I had a fight with her on the second day down there, but I thought that was resolved... Maybe not. I just feel so down right now, because I was looking forward to a great time in the Gaeltacht, telling everyone I was going and now I'm back and have to tell everyone that I'm back. I refuse to be seen in my town and have only gotten out of the car once; to go to the doctor. I feel like a big baby and everyone will laugh at me though.... I feel as if I'm not supposed to be here....Mam actually said no that she wouldn't bring me back down after I told her about the phone call with the BFF as I spent the entire time on the phone in tears to her the evening of the fight....

*sorry for the worst post ever, i just needed to let my feelings out...
Also, apologies for the poor writing, I'm too down to care...

ladybug

Hi, It's very nice to meet you...

Okay, so several blogs I'm reading say it can be hard to follow a blog if you know nothing about the author etc. So I hav decided to give you all a little information about me, aren't you blessed!:P

• My middle name is Kathleen. Both my first and middle names are after both my grannies. (Sorry, I'm not giving you my first name, but if someone who knows me finds me, it would be waaay too embarrassing.)
• I'm a nerd and I kind of like school. Sometimes. Yes, shoot me. I'm kind of smart,I won't deny myself that much
• I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life, I feel so unaccomplished.
• I have four amazing really close friends, refered to in this blog as "The BFF", "The Old Friend", "The Mad One" and "The One That Keeps Us Sane".
• My parents are seperated, and my Dad is an utter idiot, even his own family think that of him, but I still love him, sometimes.
• My room is barbie pink on two walls, the paint turned out the wrong colour!grrr!
• My favourite books are "Harry Potter" and "The Twilight Saga". Yes, call me a cliche.
• If I could live on tea and chocolate, I would. The tea must be in pretty mugs/cups.
• I have horrible, brown-blonde, frizzy, slightly wavy hair (when I don't attack it with the straightners) and blue eyes.
• All I used to ever wear was black,grey or denim, but I'm starting to wear normal clothes now, I don't know why. I miss my black!:(

Anyway, thanks for reading

Yours truly,

LadyBug

...
...
...
...
I don't want to be
just stereotypical,
Fit in the box,
Atypical.
From the outside
I will always be
The same person
that everyone sees
judge me upon
your first sight
talk about me
and think it's alright.
I might be different,
But you won't think
To see beyond
Whats plain in ink.
I hope and yearn
that you will learn
to look a little closer
because how I feel
Barely concealed,
I put out there for you.
The world keeps turning
nothing changes,
life just goes on.
But for me I always be
that ugly, fat horrific nerd.
But you don't even see me like that
a person with a face
I'm a no name in the crowd
just another number.

Music

Music brings an amazing meaning to life. It is the language of the soul. Music expresses the things words fail us for. It is such a pure and emotional thing.I look to music to bring meaning to my life. When you listen to a song, sometimes the emotions it expresses can have a total mood altering effect; it can either cheer you up or make you upset.

The other night, I was feeling quite down and afraid. I didn't know what to do, and I turned on my ipod to listen to in hope of some consolation. Through music I found comfort, sadness, and so many other emotions I couldn't put a name on, I just knew they were there. Music gives me so much and I give thanks that I can hear it.

Music is magical, but not all songs are true music. Yeah, sure they're geat to listen to, but sometimes when you turn down the volume they don't sound all that good. Music that touches your very soul is a gift, not hard to find but sometimes forgotten. I love to sing, and when I sing I feel like I'm soaring, and everything else just melts away. When something bad happens, I've had a stressful week or a crap day, it just makes it go away for a while. The raw power and emotion just pours out and your voice resonates around you, clearing your head. I get a happinesss from it, a high, and if I couldn't sing, I don't know what I would do.

On some occaisions, music just makes me feel empowered and free.

Some songs or lyrics just make you feel, and here are some of my favourites:
(my apologies, the video upload won't work. ^~^)

Cosmic Love- Florence&The Machine

It ain't me babe- Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash

Don't stop believing- Journey

Let It Die- Foo Fighters

Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons

Dog Days are over- Florence & The Machine

Welcome to the Black Parade-My Chemical Romance

Good Riddance-Green Day

I've Gotta Feeling- Black Eyed Peas

Don't Rain on my parade- ( :( don't know original musical)

You've Got The Love- Florence & the Machine

Hereos or Ghosts- The Coronas

Number One- Tinchy Stryder ft. N-Dubz

All Good Things- Nelly Furtado

So, I just want to say Thank You For The Music,
Goodnight!^_^
XxXxXxXxX
;)

I found love......

...In the form of chocolate!
They're called "Cadbury Crunchie Rocks".
The perfect combination of cornflakes, bits of crunchie, all covered in chocolate.
YYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!(drool)

Funny Quote

(The Princess Diaries, Give me Five, Page 129)
"Oh you know, the usual. Boris must have cracked under all the pressure AHES teachers put on us, and why can't the administration cancel finals like they did in Harry Potter Two. Only she didn't listen, because it's not like anyone is dead, or a giant snake was chasing us around, or anything."

Lazy day + Randoms

Bank Holiday Mondays, got to love 'em! Spent the whole day doing nothing! Wow, I hav 10 followers, thank you guys! Summer has finally begun; lazy days and pouring rain, so I promise to try and write some interesting posts as I have nothing else to do.

Okay, I need your help with something. I have to get a weird thing on my eye tested so one eye is going to be bandaged and really sore for a few days afterwards (i'm getting it done this week) and I'm wondering does anyone know any good ways of passing the time when you can't look at things all that well?

I'm so excited, caus although I'll have to leave the blog-o-sphere for two whole weeks (sob), I'm going to the Ghaeltacht (remote area where you have to speak Irish the WHOLE time, for those who don't know) for two weeks! I'm heading soon, with three of my closest friends , and although I don't know what to expect , I can't wait! Hot boys; ooh la la! :D

I apologise for the poor writing skills and lack of flow in this post, I'm really tired!;)Without any further babbling, I give you some randoms

• Song of the day: Hey, Soul Sister- Train
• Favourite Grey's Anatomy episode: Season 4 episode 5
• Guilty pleasures: Mark's and Spencer Gluten free Chocolate cake, Turning off my alarm last night so it wouldn't go off this morning(I forgot last friday!:( ), Lying in bed listening to the rain
• Current Book: Princess diaries. Had NOTHING to read so started to reread it this morning, Nearly finished it already!
• Food of the day: Kellogs Rice Crispies= yum!!

Nothing more to say, sorry to bore you :P

LadyBug

XxXxXxX

This Is The Story Of A Girl

Hello Blog-o-sphere,missed me much? Nah, doubt it...:P



Okay so let us get down to buissness. I have a story. I story I need to tell. It makes up a lot of me and yet, very few people know the full of it... I totally understand if you don't want to read it, because it's going to be a long, depressing post. I was inspired to do this when I read a very deep post on the blog "confessions of a teenage blogger". So here goes...This is my story...


Rewind three and a half years, to when I was eleven, in fifth class. Although I live just outside a town, my mam didn't want me to go to the school in town, so she sent me to a school five minutes down the road,a country school.In fifth class there were four girls in my class and two in sixth of whom we were friends with. My best friend was, well we'll call her B, in the same class as me. We had been best friends since senior infants, first class? Anyway the other two girls in our class were best friends too, and by some quirk, aunt and niece aswell. Anyway you get the picture, the two in sixth class were BFs also. Life was great, we laughed, we had fun, we gossiped, we played...until the year that changed everything.


At the start of fifth, we started hanging out with the two sixth class girls. They decided that it would be much cooler to go around at break in two separate groups, one sixth , two fifth. One of each BFF in each group. I was too stupid and gullible to refuse it. I was in the weaker of the two groups. It started that the other group would come and drag the girl from 6th class in our group off and me and one of the "twins"(two girls that were related) would be left by ourselves. I never got on as well with this girl as I did with any of the others in my class and she hated me, so it never really went down well. We would just stalk around complaining about what was going on, sometimes her BFF being left with us and me totally on the outside.




It didn't take long for B and me to grow apart. She still pretended to be my friend, even though we knew in their seccluded little group they were talking about us. You see, I was the natural outsider anyway. All these girls lived within walking distance of eachother. Their parents were all friends, went to mass, were all involved in the community things. I was the girl from near the town, more involved with that community.I was uncool, the biggest weirdo ever because I was smart, even though B was too, and done some of the sixth class work with them in fifth class. They hated me for that, I couldn't help what I was made to do, and they hated me. I was the girl who wouldn't swear or break the rules. I was the fat one, the ugly one. I was the weirdo.




Eventually the other girl an our group was getting dragged off too. I was alone. They'd make snide jokes and if I said the wrong thing, wouldn't come near me. Some how the boys even sensed this freeze out. I was never popular with them but a few of them started calling me fat, one of the boys in my class continously calling me a heffer (a female cow). I was at my lowest. I was so sad and depressed the whole time, and thought some pretty dark things, but I don't want to go back there. My "best friends" were bitches (who's not too goody-goody to swear now!). I suffered in silence. I thought it would pass. We all done a drama project together, and they all laughed at me because I got a boy's part. It was the lead role and I didn't care, I was discovering my love for drama. After the show, the girl heading the project asked me to come and join her big drama classes. I was extatic, she didn't ask any of the others though. I was stupid enough to tell them and they wouldn't speak to me, so I never went out of guilt. That is one of my biggest regrets. I loved being on stage, it made me feel alive.



They got worse and worse to me, snarky comments aloud and to my face. B even stole my watch one day and wouldn't give it back. We fought (phsically) and our principal (and teacher)stood infront of us, ignorant to her pulling my hair so hard my head was near the tarmac. They told me I was usless in football and camogie matches and insisted I stole one of the girl's pens,when I didn't. I went through hell on a daily basis, and I told no one; no one cared. The stupid teachers didn't notice me crying alone in the schoolyard. They didn't care because they were all part of the area community clique, and I wasn't...



One day I found strength. I refused to go to school and I told mam the fundamentals (not the whole story, obviously). I felt too vunerable to spill everything. I couldn't stand that feeling. Mam went up to the school and talked to the principal. He told her it would be dealt with and that another girl was having the same problem. It was one of "the twins", the nicer one. Nothing was done and life stayed the same. One Friday I got up and said I wasn't going in, and that was it, mam moved me. She was sending me to the school in town. It was finally over. I made friends. I was happy. It had been so long I forgot what happy was.



I go to secondary school with those girls now, and I see them every day. They don't bother me now, but will still hold a secret hate for eachother. They are now the popular ones in our year, but i don't strife for popularity, because in this town it equates with people who get pregnant young, have children by many different fathers and aspire to nothing. I mean these girls have decent families, but they're going out with the likes. And don't get me wrong, not a lot of people in the town are like as described or the school isn't dodgey, it's just the small minority of these in our year are popular. These girls (well the ones in my year, not the ones in the year above) don't care about their grades, reports, reputations, honours classes, detention etc. Their parents probably don't have a clue. B's mum thought we were still best friends and didn't know why I moved school. I think it's upsetting, because I know B is very intelligent and she doesn't care.



I'm a different person though now because of it. I'm in no way vunerable, I can't let myself. so people think I'm hard or threatning.I built a wall around me for protection, and now I don't know how to get out. Some people won't disagree with me because they're scared of me and I hate it. I can't tell them why, but I'm working on it. I had to tell this, because I need someone to understand. I'm not a bitch all the time, and I'm not self centered.


So for people being bullied, don't suffer in silence. There's a way out, even if it seems a long road.


But............................................Sometimes I can't help but wonder, where I would be if I had have stuck it out? Would I be where I am now? Would I be popular? Would it have ended? The girl who supposedly had trouble aswell is still friends with them and happy. Would it have been the same for me?

LadyBug

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER

Ahhh!! I'm so excited! Tests are over! No more study! I don't care if I failed anything!!(Okay maybe I do a little bit!) I don't care that I done sooo Shit in Tech Graph, even though I love it and not bragging, but im actually kinda good at it!(like seriously I got a B and ya should have seen the look the teacher gave me!Daggers )I Don't care!! Lalalalalalalalalalalala Roll on summer!!

Quote

Worry never robs
Tommorow of its
Sorrows,
It only saps today
Of its strength