Out with the old? I'm not quite sure...

Everything has changed. Yet so much is the same. I have lost almost all my closest friends. But you don't want to hear about my dramatic, depressing life, do you now?Sadly it's all I have to talk about...I am just in a complete mood for change. I threw away half of my wardrobe today... am making plans to re-decorate my bedroom. I need a new hairstyle, I'm getting it cut, I'm going to loose weight..........I don't know why I'm doing it, it's not going to magically make me happy again....... It's not going to give me friends who accept me for who I am...... It just seems fitting though...... I don't know how I will survive in September, but alas thats life...





...but I don't know if my mood for change means bye-bye to this blog...


There's no point posting anymore, because I don't post about anything remotely interesting these days, there's no point and no one is reading anyway....

I havn't decided what I'm doing, but don't be surprised if this blog disappears... then again, I could be back....

D-Day

I did it. It may ruin my life forever. Or just my secondary school life. I can't believe I did it. Crap, here I come. With the click of a button, I set things in motion. It's a ticking clock, I'm going to loose most of my close friends and most of the people that talk to me.

I'm going to lose laughter, enjoyment, immaturity.Fuck.

Ah, The Joys...

I am severely pissed off, and I don't want any sympathy, I just need to vent!! I am being totally blanked by The Mad One. She just stops talking to me for no reason...Ugh! And I swear I didn't do a thing! Not intentionally anyway. Even The BFF says I didn't do anything wrong and, heck, she is as close to The Mad One as she is to me, if not closer in some respects (although she would call me her closest friend and share things with me she never told anyone else).

To say she has stopped talking to me is actually untrue, I wish she had. Some words cut like a knife... Trying to have a conversation with her was like trying to draw blood from a fucking stone.
Me:Heya, howr you?
Mad One:I dont kno...
Me:Awh, why don't you know?!:P:P (thinking she was messing)
Mad One:I just dont.
Me: any news?
Mad One:no wbu?
Me: same, I'm pretty bored...
Mad One: well Im not
These are messages from the most cheerful person I know:/... This is when I figured something was up... and its just me she's like this with, no one else... She's all happy cheery and mad... More was said between us than this single conversation, but that doesn't need to be said. Also A certain comment on a picture spoke a thousand words, a picture of the BFF, The Mad One and The One Who keeps us Sane. It read "BFFs For life, just the three of us, No one else, we will take on anything."

I'm so fucking pissed off..... I can't even explain the full situation here... just GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
One of my closest friends...
Absolutely sickened

How and Why?

How do you know your making the right decision? When we were younger our parents told us to do the right thing...but how do we be certain which path is correct?Lines that were previously clear cut now blur, each side much the same as the other. If they both have rivers to cross and hurdles to jump, how do we know which path will spit us out alive at the other end. How do we know we haven't chosen the wrong path, taking us away from our true destination. How do you struggle, needing to know which decision was right, when both end in tears, loss and permanent change. When both result in grief and hardship, which one does one choose. When the bridge behind you collapses and you must choose one way forward, where do you go?

Surely when you make a truly right decision, you shouldn't have major regrets? Every decision I have made is haunted with regrets and curiosity. "What if..." What if I had taken other decisions, where would I be now! Would I have any regrets? The older I get, the more I regret. Surely decisions shouldn't be this hard. And then it hits me...

Maybe the decisions aren't meant to be this hard, but maybe I made all the wrong ones...

How can a single human be this useless and depressing?
How can you be so worthless?
Why am I invisible?
Why is it my fault?
Why do I keep saying sorry?
Why am I not good enough for anyone?

Everything is always me

Oh, don't ask me difficult questions like what I want to name my blog post at this early hour of the morning when I'm pissed off!

Well hello, long time no see! I must apologise for my absense from blogging this past week, I was in the ghaeltacht. *Yes, shortest stay EVER in the wilds of the Irish countryside, but I shall explain further down.* So no, I'm not M.I.A., While I was frantically running aroung the house last sunday packing, my computer refused to oblige me and work for the five minutes I needed it! Typical!

Anyhow, I have returned from the 'Big G' (as "The BFF" christened it) early because I was/am sick. So I'm kind of dissappointed now.......*depressed face*I mean it wasn't like it was amazing or anything, but I just think we didn't pick well when going there, as it was very weather depending in regards to water sports. I have this horrible nagging feeling at me now because of the fees that were paid, and I don't get the jumper I ordered now ( well even if my friends bring it home for me, where is the point in wearing when if someone asks I say that I was only there for a week. Shameful ) and I feel very unaccomplished!:( I was going to go back down today, but after talking to my friends on the phone lastnight, I decided what is the point. I've missed 4 days if I go back and they said they are so bored down there and want to come home. And i'm not better or anything, I've just improved since the day I came home. So there is virtually no point going back whem I'm still sick and everyone down there hates it...

Also, I got a sneaking feeling when I was on the phone lastnight to the BFF that I'm not wanted down there. After I said I was comming back, the conversation of plesanteries immediately dropped... I had a fight with her on the second day down there, but I thought that was resolved... Maybe not. I just feel so down right now, because I was looking forward to a great time in the Gaeltacht, telling everyone I was going and now I'm back and have to tell everyone that I'm back. I refuse to be seen in my town and have only gotten out of the car once; to go to the doctor. I feel like a big baby and everyone will laugh at me though.... I feel as if I'm not supposed to be here....Mam actually said no that she wouldn't bring me back down after I told her about the phone call with the BFF as I spent the entire time on the phone in tears to her the evening of the fight....

*sorry for the worst post ever, i just needed to let my feelings out...
Also, apologies for the poor writing, I'm too down to care...

ladybug

This Is The Story Of A Girl

Hello Blog-o-sphere,missed me much? Nah, doubt it...:P



Okay so let us get down to buissness. I have a story. I story I need to tell. It makes up a lot of me and yet, very few people know the full of it... I totally understand if you don't want to read it, because it's going to be a long, depressing post. I was inspired to do this when I read a very deep post on the blog "confessions of a teenage blogger". So here goes...This is my story...


Rewind three and a half years, to when I was eleven, in fifth class. Although I live just outside a town, my mam didn't want me to go to the school in town, so she sent me to a school five minutes down the road,a country school.In fifth class there were four girls in my class and two in sixth of whom we were friends with. My best friend was, well we'll call her B, in the same class as me. We had been best friends since senior infants, first class? Anyway the other two girls in our class were best friends too, and by some quirk, aunt and niece aswell. Anyway you get the picture, the two in sixth class were BFs also. Life was great, we laughed, we had fun, we gossiped, we played...until the year that changed everything.


At the start of fifth, we started hanging out with the two sixth class girls. They decided that it would be much cooler to go around at break in two separate groups, one sixth , two fifth. One of each BFF in each group. I was too stupid and gullible to refuse it. I was in the weaker of the two groups. It started that the other group would come and drag the girl from 6th class in our group off and me and one of the "twins"(two girls that were related) would be left by ourselves. I never got on as well with this girl as I did with any of the others in my class and she hated me, so it never really went down well. We would just stalk around complaining about what was going on, sometimes her BFF being left with us and me totally on the outside.




It didn't take long for B and me to grow apart. She still pretended to be my friend, even though we knew in their seccluded little group they were talking about us. You see, I was the natural outsider anyway. All these girls lived within walking distance of eachother. Their parents were all friends, went to mass, were all involved in the community things. I was the girl from near the town, more involved with that community.I was uncool, the biggest weirdo ever because I was smart, even though B was too, and done some of the sixth class work with them in fifth class. They hated me for that, I couldn't help what I was made to do, and they hated me. I was the girl who wouldn't swear or break the rules. I was the fat one, the ugly one. I was the weirdo.




Eventually the other girl an our group was getting dragged off too. I was alone. They'd make snide jokes and if I said the wrong thing, wouldn't come near me. Some how the boys even sensed this freeze out. I was never popular with them but a few of them started calling me fat, one of the boys in my class continously calling me a heffer (a female cow). I was at my lowest. I was so sad and depressed the whole time, and thought some pretty dark things, but I don't want to go back there. My "best friends" were bitches (who's not too goody-goody to swear now!). I suffered in silence. I thought it would pass. We all done a drama project together, and they all laughed at me because I got a boy's part. It was the lead role and I didn't care, I was discovering my love for drama. After the show, the girl heading the project asked me to come and join her big drama classes. I was extatic, she didn't ask any of the others though. I was stupid enough to tell them and they wouldn't speak to me, so I never went out of guilt. That is one of my biggest regrets. I loved being on stage, it made me feel alive.



They got worse and worse to me, snarky comments aloud and to my face. B even stole my watch one day and wouldn't give it back. We fought (phsically) and our principal (and teacher)stood infront of us, ignorant to her pulling my hair so hard my head was near the tarmac. They told me I was usless in football and camogie matches and insisted I stole one of the girl's pens,when I didn't. I went through hell on a daily basis, and I told no one; no one cared. The stupid teachers didn't notice me crying alone in the schoolyard. They didn't care because they were all part of the area community clique, and I wasn't...



One day I found strength. I refused to go to school and I told mam the fundamentals (not the whole story, obviously). I felt too vunerable to spill everything. I couldn't stand that feeling. Mam went up to the school and talked to the principal. He told her it would be dealt with and that another girl was having the same problem. It was one of "the twins", the nicer one. Nothing was done and life stayed the same. One Friday I got up and said I wasn't going in, and that was it, mam moved me. She was sending me to the school in town. It was finally over. I made friends. I was happy. It had been so long I forgot what happy was.



I go to secondary school with those girls now, and I see them every day. They don't bother me now, but will still hold a secret hate for eachother. They are now the popular ones in our year, but i don't strife for popularity, because in this town it equates with people who get pregnant young, have children by many different fathers and aspire to nothing. I mean these girls have decent families, but they're going out with the likes. And don't get me wrong, not a lot of people in the town are like as described or the school isn't dodgey, it's just the small minority of these in our year are popular. These girls (well the ones in my year, not the ones in the year above) don't care about their grades, reports, reputations, honours classes, detention etc. Their parents probably don't have a clue. B's mum thought we were still best friends and didn't know why I moved school. I think it's upsetting, because I know B is very intelligent and she doesn't care.



I'm a different person though now because of it. I'm in no way vunerable, I can't let myself. so people think I'm hard or threatning.I built a wall around me for protection, and now I don't know how to get out. Some people won't disagree with me because they're scared of me and I hate it. I can't tell them why, but I'm working on it. I had to tell this, because I need someone to understand. I'm not a bitch all the time, and I'm not self centered.


So for people being bullied, don't suffer in silence. There's a way out, even if it seems a long road.


But............................................Sometimes I can't help but wonder, where I would be if I had have stuck it out? Would I be where I am now? Would I be popular? Would it have ended? The girl who supposedly had trouble aswell is still friends with them and happy. Would it have been the same for me?

LadyBug

Why?

Just why?!Why does everything feel so bad,when nothing's really wrong?School's nearly over that should make me happy, but I'm not.I feel in a very expressive mood and yet I don't know how to express it...
The weird thing is, before I actually started this blog, I had millions of good ideas for it...and now they've gone out the window. So now I have a Blog that sounds so self abssorbed because it's all about me and my life, and that wasn't really the intention.I feel in a mood to post, but about what I don't know!*I should really shut up now!*
I will not post until im in a better mood,and I actually do some study this weekend!
XxXxXxXx

Blah!

please read post at the end!!!xxx

aaaaahhhhhh!I'm brain dead! Just spent three and a half solid hours studying...I'm so busy and so tired.

I posted two random posts lastnight and didn't get to explain myself ,so here goes. I occasionally write poetry.Usually it's depressing and dull because I only feel the need to express my feelings in such a way when I'm down. I put down the pen for about a year though, and completely forgot about it until something snaped inside me on monday and all of a sudden, I had two poems written in the old notebook. I had some confused emotions about this, but the first one is about rediscovering the pen and the ability to write poetry.The other one is just how I was feeling the other night.Just don't judge them too much, they're my most inner emotions poured into words and although they're personal, I don't know, I just felt the need to share.

In other news, I'm having a mental breakdown about summer tests, any help appreciated!Also I earned a new nickname in school about a week or two ago; a few of the lads started calling me "Google".Apparently I know everything. Someone could have told me this before, then I wouldn't need the drama about the tests!;) The nickname is kinda starting to annoy me though, I don't know how to stop them! There's no malice intended, but it's really annoying. Any ideas?Am I too sensitive or would that annoy you? Anyway, please comment, and I leave you with some pictures!:

For some reason my pictures went to the top!

"Clumsy 'cause I've fallen in love...."

dadadada... well not quite as interesting as falling in love... just Clumsy!

warning: I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do in this post as I got hit on the head pretty darn hard!x

I had the most random day ever today, the most interesting of it started today after lunch in pe. I was so frustrated beacuse this socially slow guy in my class (well sort of my friend, a nerdy buddy) interuppted my important conversation to my friend to tell me "hi". I decided to express my frustration by doing something funny so in the dressing room I kicked my shoe off and sent in flying in the air until it got lodged above the showers and refused to come down!We were all laughing so hard, I hit my nose of the BFF's head!STRIKE1
Anyhow, we were playing tennis in pe,not my favourite thing, I'm a badminton kind of girl, and somehow, my intuition told me it wasn't going to end well... One of the other girls in my class thought it was comical to go aroung pinching people, who were, might I add brandishing tennis rackets. So this idiot decided to pinch my BFF, who was holding her racket idle, the only weapon she had. In part of the joke and self defense, the BFF swung back the racket, ready to strike................................................. when the racket hit me in the jaw!STRIKE2!Ouch! Anyway I got an ice pack and sat out of pe for the rest of it.
I was well on the mend and decided there was no way I was going to Irish with the Ice Pack, so came out of the changing room and went looking for our pe teacher for my friend to tell me she was gone. I thought she might be putting the equipment in the store in the gym, so I pulled open the door and...........STRIKE 3,the door split me on the head!I bawled and laughed all at the same time, and needless to say, I didn't get to abandon the ice pack, I got to walk into Irish, ten minutes late, with an egg shaped bruise on my head... Not at all embarrassing, since the story had spread and our pe teacher had to "escort" me to irish to explain my complete lack of punctuality....In the end I left school early, the shame, so I'm at home, not a shread of my homework completed, bump on my head, and another 4 episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" series 3 rewatched.....

Bye for now,
your lady bug and her bump on her head!
XxxXxxXXxxx

busy bee!

aaaahhhh!!!!! I'm recked tired! I've been so busy all weekend; it was my cousin's confirmation yesterday and had a lovely "family" dinner today! I have been so busy lately it's not even funny! I've had so much homework and i'm still not in the habit of doing it. It's seriously scary!!! We hav summer tests in 3 weeks and I haven't done any work in ages !ugh! I think maybe its time to begin the military operation of clearing my desk! my room is a total kip!! lol ! I hardley even have time to post decent posts on this! its sickening!!
Anyway guys, I just want to say thanks to my whole 6 followers(including me ;D) you guys rock! six might not seem like a lot, but it is to me!!I mean six people actually read this!! (wow, ye must be bored!!;D:D:D;:L:L:L ^_^oj)but seriously thanks for the follows and comments, keep em comin!!! lve ye!! mwah!!
hahaha I'm so tired I'm not even making sense! the next time i go on this and read this I'll probably be saying what the hell was I writing! niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty niite!!! hehehehehehehehehe ^_^ ^_^,


your lovely ladybug!xxxx