Ah, The Joys...

I am severely pissed off, and I don't want any sympathy, I just need to vent!! I am being totally blanked by The Mad One. She just stops talking to me for no reason...Ugh! And I swear I didn't do a thing! Not intentionally anyway. Even The BFF says I didn't do anything wrong and, heck, she is as close to The Mad One as she is to me, if not closer in some respects (although she would call me her closest friend and share things with me she never told anyone else).

To say she has stopped talking to me is actually untrue, I wish she had. Some words cut like a knife... Trying to have a conversation with her was like trying to draw blood from a fucking stone.
Me:Heya, howr you?
Mad One:I dont kno...
Me:Awh, why don't you know?!:P:P (thinking she was messing)
Mad One:I just dont.
Me: any news?
Mad One:no wbu?
Me: same, I'm pretty bored...
Mad One: well Im not
These are messages from the most cheerful person I know:/... This is when I figured something was up... and its just me she's like this with, no one else... She's all happy cheery and mad... More was said between us than this single conversation, but that doesn't need to be said. Also A certain comment on a picture spoke a thousand words, a picture of the BFF, The Mad One and The One Who keeps us Sane. It read "BFFs For life, just the three of us, No one else, we will take on anything."

I'm so fucking pissed off..... I can't even explain the full situation here... just GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
One of my closest friends...
Absolutely sickened

How and Why?

How do you know your making the right decision? When we were younger our parents told us to do the right thing...but how do we be certain which path is correct?Lines that were previously clear cut now blur, each side much the same as the other. If they both have rivers to cross and hurdles to jump, how do we know which path will spit us out alive at the other end. How do we know we haven't chosen the wrong path, taking us away from our true destination. How do you struggle, needing to know which decision was right, when both end in tears, loss and permanent change. When both result in grief and hardship, which one does one choose. When the bridge behind you collapses and you must choose one way forward, where do you go?

Surely when you make a truly right decision, you shouldn't have major regrets? Every decision I have made is haunted with regrets and curiosity. "What if..." What if I had taken other decisions, where would I be now! Would I have any regrets? The older I get, the more I regret. Surely decisions shouldn't be this hard. And then it hits me...

Maybe the decisions aren't meant to be this hard, but maybe I made all the wrong ones...

How can a single human be this useless and depressing?
How can you be so worthless?
Why am I invisible?
Why is it my fault?
Why do I keep saying sorry?
Why am I not good enough for anyone?

Everything is always me

Oh, don't ask me difficult questions like what I want to name my blog post at this early hour of the morning when I'm pissed off!

Well hello, long time no see! I must apologise for my absense from blogging this past week, I was in the ghaeltacht. *Yes, shortest stay EVER in the wilds of the Irish countryside, but I shall explain further down.* So no, I'm not M.I.A., While I was frantically running aroung the house last sunday packing, my computer refused to oblige me and work for the five minutes I needed it! Typical!

Anyhow, I have returned from the 'Big G' (as "The BFF" christened it) early because I was/am sick. So I'm kind of dissappointed now.......*depressed face*I mean it wasn't like it was amazing or anything, but I just think we didn't pick well when going there, as it was very weather depending in regards to water sports. I have this horrible nagging feeling at me now because of the fees that were paid, and I don't get the jumper I ordered now ( well even if my friends bring it home for me, where is the point in wearing when if someone asks I say that I was only there for a week. Shameful ) and I feel very unaccomplished!:( I was going to go back down today, but after talking to my friends on the phone lastnight, I decided what is the point. I've missed 4 days if I go back and they said they are so bored down there and want to come home. And i'm not better or anything, I've just improved since the day I came home. So there is virtually no point going back whem I'm still sick and everyone down there hates it...

Also, I got a sneaking feeling when I was on the phone lastnight to the BFF that I'm not wanted down there. After I said I was comming back, the conversation of plesanteries immediately dropped... I had a fight with her on the second day down there, but I thought that was resolved... Maybe not. I just feel so down right now, because I was looking forward to a great time in the Gaeltacht, telling everyone I was going and now I'm back and have to tell everyone that I'm back. I refuse to be seen in my town and have only gotten out of the car once; to go to the doctor. I feel like a big baby and everyone will laugh at me though.... I feel as if I'm not supposed to be here....Mam actually said no that she wouldn't bring me back down after I told her about the phone call with the BFF as I spent the entire time on the phone in tears to her the evening of the fight....

*sorry for the worst post ever, i just needed to let my feelings out...
Also, apologies for the poor writing, I'm too down to care...

ladybug